


Slope

by PartridgeOnAPearTree



Series: Transversal [31]
Category: Dangan Ronpa, Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Please read the previous parts first! :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:59:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9332543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PartridgeOnAPearTree/pseuds/PartridgeOnAPearTree
Summary: 'This won’t be difficult for you if it’s really you, so I’ll just go for it.'





	1. Rise

**Author's Note:**

> Project Log Hope #5: https://justpaste.it/12fh5  
> I didn't post it on my blog because I'm avoiding Tumblr for V3 spoilers. You can still communicate with me on Twitter though! I'm @irl_junko :)

Looks like recently, a day really can’t go by without Komaeda doing something wrong to Naegi one way or another.

 

He remembers how he only wanted to discuss the possible explanation he thought of regarding all this, and while that sounds simple enough to be done even by someone pitiful like him, he still wasn’t able to do things smoothly. At this point, he just can’t feel anything but pure shame regarding himself. It’s terribly embarrassing how he still has the audacity to coexist with Naegi, the Super High School Level Hope, and the rest of the Super High School Levels.

 

Despite that, he takes out his phone anyway to leave a simple text for Naegi. Because one thing he has learned from all this is that while it’s greatly impertinent of him to stay, it’s even more impertinent if he thinks he has the right to decide things by himself.

 

And of course, even if he knows where he should rightfully stand, he’d be lying if he says he isn’t happy and deeply honored to be where he is at the moment. Couple that with the fact that he actually _tried_ to dissuade Naegi when he thought the latter finally wanted to end things. How impertinent.

 

‘ _Makoto-kun, hello. Would you like to go somewhere tonight? Though if you're busy, I understand! I’m sorry for the bother if so!_ ’

 

It’s been a little over ten minutes after the dismissal time, and normally, Naegi would already be around by the first five minutes. Irrational it may be, but Komaeda was already a tad nervous because of that. He knows it’s probably selfish but the first thought he came up with is that Naegi must have decided to finally avoid him once for all. Only second to that was the thought that something unpleasant must have happened to Naegi.

 

How embarrassingly selfish.

 

When he finally digests the thought, he instantly remembers how he actually saw a couple of Naegi’s classmates in the courtyard a little earlier. If he recalls correctly, he saw the Super High School Level Gambler and the Super High School Otaku just walking to the academy’s gates to leave. It’s raining outside, and the Otaku was holding up an umbrella for the Gambler while letting himself get wet from the rain.

 

His worry starts to be tinged with fear. Maybe he should head to Naegi’s classroom now. If something happens to Naegi because of his luck—

 

He pulls his bag closer to himself as he hurries towards the end of the hall. Naegi’s classroom is on the ground floor, and he’d be able to get there quickly if he goes as fast as he can. He starts to run—his stamina is one of the worst there is, and he frankly hates running, but if he has to, then—

 

He reaches the end of the hall, and he almost falls and slides down the stairs. He grabs the staircase railing on time but a startled and quite embarrassing chuckle comes out of his lips. How undignified.

 

“Ah, Ikusaba-san. You startled me, haha.” There was Ikusaba Mukuro, the Super High School Level Soldier, in front of him. Unlike him, she was totally composed, a blank expression on her face as she stared at him. This is starting to make him feel even more conscious of his lack of composure…

 

“Naegi-kun’s busy.” She says. He blinks. “You’re going to our classroom, aren’t you?”

 

“Ah, yes, that’s right…” Komaeda forces a smile. “I was worried because he’d normally text me if he’ll be doing something. Is he alright?”

 

She nods. “He just can’t use his phone right now.”

 

“I see… Did he forget to charge it last night? Thank you for telling me, Ikusaba-san.”

 

“Are you going to go back to the dorm now?”

 

“Oh… Well, I guess so. I have nothing better to do right now anyway if he isn’t free…”

 

“Please let me walk with you.” She takes a step forward. “There are things I’d like to talk about.”

 

“Oh, of course! It’d be an honor to walk with the Super High School Level Soldier!” Komaeda nods. “Let’s go?”

 

She places a hand on his arm and motions him to the direction from which he came. “Let’s go the other way. That will give us more time.”

 

“If Ikusaba-san says so.”

 

\--

 

Ikusaba did say she had things to talk about, but she was quiet even until the time they reached the outside of the dorms. Komaeda thought it might be rude to prod since she’s probably thinking of the things she wants to say, but now he’s just worried they might end up not discussing anything at all if he lets this continue. Ikusaba looked deep in thought as they continued walking while Komaeda thought of how he could get her to start speaking.

 

The patter of the rain against his umbrella is starting to get so loud. He worries that Ikusaba might indeed say something and he’ll miss it.

 

“Um, Ikusaba-san—”

 

“You’re here. The men’s dorm.”

 

“Ah, yeah, but… I was wondering about what you wanted to talk about. Is something wrong?”

 

“It’s nothing.” She nods at him. “See you tomorrow.”

 

“Oh… See you tomorrow, Ikusaba-san.” He smiles at her. “Thank you for walking with me.”

 

If she stays on her spot or if she too walks away, Komaeda didn’t know because he started walking to the dorm without looking back.

 

\--

 

As soon as Komaeda enters the room, a rather out-of-place medium-sized metal box greets his eyes. It was way too noticeable—even someone like him would not fail to notice it. There's just no way. Apart from its appearance, there is also the fact that it was placed almost perfectly in the center of the room.

 

Maybe someone is currently here and hiding.

 

Maybe someone is currently here to kill him.

 

Dying isn’t a bad idea, but if he does die now, that means that he will break all of his promises to Naegi. All his promises of doing everything he could to assist Naegi, of helping him reach his dreams—by extension, that includes celebrating with him when he finally does achieve his goals, right?—of dying for him…

 

Where else could they hide though?

 

He looks up to the ceiling. Movies he watches always have that scene where some characters would be hiding on the ceiling, only to be noticed by the protagonist too late.

 

He lets out a soft chuckle when he sees that the ceiling was empty. Maybe his imagination is going off too much.

 

In a story, however, he wonders what kind of protagonist he is. If he even is. Is he a likable protagonist? Probably not. He's probably the protagonist that doesn’t even deserve to be called a ‘hero’ in its truest sense. He’ll be a boring protagonist, devoid of any remarkable qualities that will endear whoever consumes whatever content in which he is.

 

He walks towards the outside of the bathroom. The door is closed, just like how he left it when he last used it. If ever there is indeed someone here, he couldn’t allow himself to die by their hands if he doesn’t want to break any promises. That’s why he looks around to see if there's anything at all in this room he can use to defend himself.

 

The room really has been so empty ever since Hinata’s things were taken by his parents. The top bunk’s mattress was like how it was when Komaeda first moved here—no bed sheets to cover it, no pillows even just a small one to show that it’s occupied.

 

He remembers, before moving to the dorm for the first time, that he had the thought that he’ll be alright with not having a roommate at all. Not only does he not deserve to share a living space with a symbol of hope, but it also has been a really long time since he last shared a bedroom with someone. He thought it was also preferable to befriend someone and agree to be roommates with them compared to already being roommates with someone and befriending them because of that.

 

But now, all he has is the empty and lonely feeling of having to occupy this room all by himself. He never thought that this room was large, but being alone, he somehow thinks that it’s as if the space he occupies has grown significantly larger… and it didn’t feel nice at all.

 

The desk that Hinata used—it used to be covered with so many books, but now there isn’t even anything placed on it anymore. Komaeda purposefully placed his books in his drawer because he didn’t want to eat some space from the area that Hinata used to study.

 

The room looked so terribly lonely. And whenever he goes back here, he only feels like he has done something wrong.

 

If only he knew that Hinata would just disappear without even telling him why, maybe Komaeda would have tried to convince Naegi back then to let him not ignore Hinata. Maybe he would have tried to convince him better that there's nothing to be jealous about. If only he were a better friend and a better partner, there would have been a more effective option where he avoids hurting both of them.

 

If only he knew that Hinata would just disappear without even telling him why, maybe Komaeda wouldn’t have allowed for there to be so many times when they are here in this room, just silent and not talking to each other. If only he knew that his time would eventually run out, maybe he wouldn’t have wasted it so much.

 

He must have hurt Hinata so much. Whether or not it is true that Hinata had feelings for him, Komaeda’s sure that his actions, his words—or lack thereof, at times—must have hurt greatly. It must have burned, it must have been a painful scratch, it must have been like getting incessantly beaten up…

 

Komaeda realizes that his chest burns.

 

…He really did take Hinata for granted, didn’t he?

 

And it’s too late to think of this now, isn’t it?

 

Ah, he really can’t do anything right.

 

If ever there really is someone hiding in the bathroom right now, they must be very dedicated to stay so quiet all this time. Now that he thinks about it, maybe he can use his umbrella to defend himself if ever.

 

He walks towards the wet umbrella leaning against the wall near the door. He remembers reading from somewhere back then that there are one thousand six hundred forty to twenty-five thousand nine hundred umbrella-related injuries globally per year. He has always found the term ‘umbrella-related’ quite vague. Was it getting attacked by one like he plans with the possible person in the bathroom or was it getting struck by lightning while holding an umbrella? Or maybe a different situation from what he imagined altogether?

 

The water droplets from the umbrella form a trail towards the outside of the bathroom door where he stops. He places his free hand on the knob, and he pushes it open as fast as he can—

 

Komaeda tightens his hold on the umbrella.

 

Ah.

 

Of course there was no one there.

 

He chuckles to himself and decides to mop the mess he made.

 

\--

 

It doesn’t look like the rain will stop anytime soon.

 

Komaeda leaves the drenched umbrella near the bathroom door as he walks to the metal box. He feels his entire body going cold when he sees something else placed on it.

 

He should have noticed this first.

 

He should have noticed this first instead of messing around with a non-existent person in the bathroom.

 

There on the box was a small piece of paper. To be fair to himself, it was really small, almost like a simple sticky note. He peels it off the box to look at it better, and the nervousness he felt doubles when he sees what was written on it.

 

‘ _Only keep this box if you're interested in where Hinata is. Leave it outside if you're not._ ’

 

He turns the note over because what he read only made him feel even more confused.

 

‘ _He said he gave you the key._ ’

 

He? By ‘he’, did they mean Hinata?

 

But Hinata hadn’t handed him any key. If anything, he didn’t really have the opportunity to give Komaeda anything, not even a goodbye. And now that he thinks about it even more, that too must be really his fault.

 

But if Hinata really said he gave it to him, then…

 

The last thing that Hinata gave to him is that stuffed kitten Nyaegi-kun. It isn’t really difficult to pinpoint that since he spent a good amount of time just ignoring Hinata. He looks at the stuffed kitten that is peacefully resting on the table by the end of his bed.

 

Even if that’s the last thing he received from Hinata, there still was a decent time interval between the time he received it and the time Hinata went away. If he was expelled, could he have known that he's in danger of expulsion as early as that time they last went to the arcade together?

 

Probably not… Hinata would have told him then. Or at least there could have been hints that he's leaving soon. But as far as Komaeda knows, there was not even a minuscule hint at all—

 

_I hope… once I get the results… we’ll still be able to hang out like this._

And then Komaeda remembers that particular instant, making him stop.

 

That time, Komaeda didn’t think too much about it. He thought Hinata was just worried about something, but now that he thinks about it, the fact that Hinata said that implies that there's a possibility that they can’t hang out again.

 

If that is the case, then… his expulsion must have had something to do with his results.

 

He holds the small paper in his hand tighter.

 

He has been so stupid. He can’t believe he overlooked a detail that is so painfully glaring.

 

Hinata started talking about a pen with disappearing ink sometime after he represented Hope’s Peak in a quiz bee. So if it’s true that Hinata did use a disappearing ink then—

 

He must have failed.

 

He must have failed… and that caused Hope’s Peak to expel him?

 

Would Hope’s Peak really do something like that?

 

He starts to think about his previous guesses regarding this situation. He thought that there was another person who was envious of Naegi and was trying to estrange him from an important friend. But now that he thinks about it, there's another possibility that he overlooked.

 

That person must have known that if Hinata fails his test, the consequence will be as severe as this. They must have known that there's a possibility that Hinata will be expelled from Hope’s Peak, and that must be what they wanted to happen. The reason why they had to pull Naegi and Komaeda into this wasn’t because they had anything against Naegi and Komaeda themselves. It was because they were people whom Hinata trusted… even if Komaeda doesn’t really deserve it.

 

It doesn’t make sense why they had to pull both Naegi and Komaeda into this though. Their plan would still have worked if they had only Naegi or maybe even only Komaeda too. They could just tell Hinata that Naegi or Komaeda wanted to lend him a pen without involving the other.

 

So maybe this theory is flawed too… and it doesn’t make sense why anyone would want Hinata to get expelled. As far as Komaeda knows, Hinata gets along with everyone too. He isn’t the type of person who always has a smile on, but just like Naegi, he's also ready to help out anyone who might need help. He doesn’t give off the same amiable vibe, but Komaeda could always feel his sincerity.

 

He just can’t imagine anyone going as far as to plot Hinata’s expulsion…

 

He reads the paper again and again. Maybe instead of speculating to himself, he should actually try to open the box.

 

Komaeda makes way to the stuffed kitten. This is his only option for now. It looks pretty ridiculous, but he doesn’t really have a better alternative.

 

He inspects the kitten and turns it around a couple of times. It had a green bandana with it, the triangular part on the back of the kitten’s head. It reminded him of Naegi’s green hooded jacket which he always wears, thus, earning it the name Nyaegi-kun. A rather uncreative name, he admits, but at least it was after the Super High School Level Hope.

 

He slides a finger between the bandana and the material of the kitten itself in hopes of finding anything hidden between them.

 

He finds nothing…

 

…Except a small zipper on the junction of the kitten’s nape.

 

His heart skips a beat as he zips open the stuffed kitten. It looks funny somehow how careful he's being with the mere action of unzipping a stuffed animal’s body. He sees the white cotton inside, and he slowly puts his hand in, feeling around.

 

He doesn’t know if it’s right to say that he's surprised—because he doesn’t know if he really is—when he actually feels something firm inside.

 

He doesn’t really know what he was expecting when he stuck his hand inside, but all he knows now is that he has a small key in his hand. He promptly returns to the box, holding the small padlock securing it, and unlocking it with the key.

 

It clicks.

 

And the padlock actually opens.

 

He still couldn’t believe it even as he takes away the padlock from the box. He carefully opens it, his heart starting to beat faster. Is doing this right? If he does this, will he finally be able to communicate with Hinata?

 

Komaeda isn’t sure what he expected to see, but another piece of paper atop a smaller yet also padlocked box isn’t it. This paper was bigger than the previous, like a torn page from a notebook. Komaeda felt the familiar pain in his chest when he sees that on the paper was Hinata’s handwriting.

 

For him, it feels like a long, long time since he had any form of interaction with Hinata. He knew that he missed the other, but he hasn’t realized that it has been this much. Some time before, he was worried that Hinata wouldn’t want him to poke around the latter’s business, but this note—

 

‘ _I want to make sure that it’s Komaeda who's reading this._

_If this is Komaeda, sorry for being troublesome, but I just want you to be the only one who'll see whatever I put in here. This won’t be difficult for you if it’s really you, so I’ll just go for it. This is kind of embarrassing and really lame, but this is what came to mind when I was wondering what the padlock’s password should be._ ’

 

Komaeda tentatively looks at the padlock. It was one of those padlocks that require people to use a three-digit password. If someone else would try to snoop in, they'd only have a 0.1% chance of success. Of course, however, the situation is likely to have a different outcome if the person to snoop actually had Super High School Level Good Luck.

 

He continues reading the note.

 

‘ _Komaeda, my gift to you on the first Day of Hope that we had together—of course it would be too easy for you to have mentioned it to someone in passing, but I'm still hoping this is you—that gift had numbers on it, right? The greatest number written on it—there's something I’d like you to do to it._ ’

 

The gift that Hinata gave to Komaeda on their first Day of Hope was an alarm clock. Komaeda could still remember being so grateful because his recently broke that time. Up until now, that alarm clock is still placed on his table, still fully functional. The greatest number written on it, of course, was twelve.

 

Komaeda keeps reading.

 

‘ _That number—I want you to multiply it by three._ ’

 

Twelve times three is thirty-six.

 

‘ _Add six to the product._ ’

 

Thirty-six plus six is forty-two.

 

‘ _Subtract eighteen from the sum._ ’

 

Forty-two minus eighteen is twenty-four.

 

‘ _Multiply the difference by ten._ ’

 

Twenty-four times ten is two hundred forty.

 

‘ _Again, if this is really you, Komaeda, I'm sorry that you have to do this extra thing, but I know this will be too easy for you anyway. I just want to make sure._ ’

 

If only he could, Komaeda would have told Hinata it’s okay, that there's nothing wrong with wishing to make sure about something.

 

He quickly slides the correct numbers. Two, four, zero—

 

The padlock comes off.

 

He takes it and places it next to the first padlock, then he lifts the cover of the box.

 

When he sees yet another piece of paper and a smaller box inside, he realizes how serious the information must be and how Hinata really, really wants no one else to see whatever is inside. The thought that Hinata trusts him this much flatters him, and it also makes stronger the guilt that he constantly feels.

 

The person that he took for granted and must have hurt so badly… still trusts him this greatly after all this time.

 

‘ _Komaeda, once again, I'm sorry._ ’

 

‘ _You know, I actually asked help from Souda about this. I feel bad, but I didn’t really tell him what I’d really need it for. I told him that I was saving money and wanted a place I could safely keep it. I hate lying to anyone, especially to my friends, especially to you, but I felt it was needed in this situation… I want to apologize to him. And I want to apologize to you._ ’

 

‘ _Souda was the one who made this. I don’t understand how it works exactly, but he said that if you type the correct word, the box will open. And if you're Komaeda, I know you'll know. Or at least I hope you remember._ ’

 

‘ _Do you still recall that day you went home and I broke something? I must have worried you so much that time… I was so stupid that I wounded myself too together with breaking that thing. If you're Komaeda, you'll have a way to know what that thing is. You already know this, but I don’t really know how to read English, so I had to rely on a bit of help online… but you, I know you can do it. You can even read full-length English books, right?_ ’

 

‘ _So I know you'd be able to do this… Just type what I broke. So that I’d know it’s you._ ’

 

Komaeda inspects the lock. It looks like one of those digital security locks where people input numbers, but this one has some letters under a number. The numbers one and zero would seem useless though unless the person really meant to use it as itself because the letters start from two and end at nine, three each except for seven and nine which had four. Well, to be fair, the zero key can function as a space bar too, so there's that.

 

And of course, Komaeda never forgot. That certain day when he returned to the dorm only to see Hinata with a bleeding fist next to a broken mirror—it was the first time he ever saw Hinata do something like that. He can remember the worry that he felt as if that happening only took place yesterday.

 

He remembers making sure to be as careful as he can when he cleaned Hinata’s wounds that time, all the while wondering if he has the right to interrogate Hinata regarding his reasons for doing what he did. And he also remembers Hinata wrapping him in such a tight embrace it was almost as if Komaeda would slip away without any of them noticing.

 

It was a _mirror_. He types it in carefully, making sure he doesn’t make even the slightest error.

 

The keypad blinks red twice, and what he typed disappears.

 

_What?_

Maybe he did make an error despite making sure not to. He types again, even more carefully this time. M… i… r… r… o…r.

 

It blinks twice again.

 

_What?_ A mirror really isn’t it? But Komaeda can clearly remember that day. After he got finished assisting Hinata with bandaging his wounds—he remembers he probably didn’t do a good job, maybe it would have been better if he called Tsumiki to help them out—they sat there in silence as Komaeda thinks if there's anything someone like him can do to actually be a comforting presence to Hinata.

 

Did Hinata break something else? It’s not in Hinata’s nature, so Komaeda’s sure that there's only the mirror. And he's pretty sure mirror is spelled that way in English…

 

He types _glass_.

 

The keypad blinks again.

 

So it isn’t glass, either?

 

_Glass of mirror_. Since the space bar is there, maybe it has to serve a function?

 

The keypad blinks green twice, and Komaeda was surprised when he hears something click. That actually worked. Hinata must have wanted to be really sure to pick that particular choice of words. ‘Mirror’ would have been sufficient… unless he must have thought it was too short.

 

He wasn’t surprised anymore when he sees yet another box with a paper inside the one he just uncovered. Hinata must have really wanted this situation to have no room for error… That’s why he has been so meticulous about this.

 

‘ _Sorry. I swear this is the last one. I hope I hadn’t lost your interest for acting this way. You'll do just like what you did before this, only, there's a different question. I wish you haven’t forgotten… You're the only one who knows about this, and it’s not really interesting enough for you to possibly bring up to others too. If there's anyone who could answer this, I think it’s really only you._ ’

 

‘ _Komaeda… do you remember when I told you what particular topic I usually study when I get too overwhelmed by our current lessons? It’s that topic that I find easy to understand, so I find it refreshing to think about it. It reminds me of a time too when things are easier for me, but I guess I haven’t told you that when we talked about it. There are so many things I’d like to tell you, and if you open this box, I finally will be able to do that._ ’

 

‘ _I hope you remember, Komaeda, that topic that I keep on returning to._ ’

 

That topic that Hinata keeps on returning to… Hinata told him that one time when Komaeda returned home and Hinata was busy solving some equations. He remembers being confused because that topic was one that they already had last year, yet Hinata from that time still continued computing anyway, as if the lesson was fresh to him.

 

That lesson, the one regarding the line that passes through two parallel lines—

 

Komaeda types carefully.

 

It was that lesson called transversal.

 

\--

 

“Oh.” Komaeda blinks as he sees the person behind the door. When he hears that someone was fumbling with the knob, he thought that it must be his new roommate. The person that he’ll be living with from now on—Komaeda was actually pretty nervous thinking of them.

 

Komaeda was annoying. He's nothing but a lowly piece of trash. Even if he doesn’t know what kind of person his new roommate will be, the only thing that he can say for sure is that they are a Super High School Level. That, and no matter what their talent is, it’s surely something greater than his Super High School Level Good Luck that sounds so much like a joke.

 

If only he didn’t have any knowledge about Hope’s Peak Academy’s plan to conduct a lottery this year—apparently, they wanted to learn more about luck despite the disagreement of whether or not it is a talent in the first place—he would have thought that someone just wanted to prank him and make him believe even for a second that someone as plain as him was chosen to attend the Academy of Hope, only to make fun of him later for even entertaining that idea.

 

Just the thought that someone as pathetic as him will be bothering a Super High School Level enough to live in the same room as them makes him feel so, so ashamed of himself for even committing an action as impudent as that.

 

“Um.” The brown-haired boy outside the door furrows his eyebrows a bit, and Komaeda realizes that he has been staring quite stupidly—and blocking the way too! He immediately opens the door wider and gets out of the way, muttering a soft apology.

 

He can’t believe this. First interaction and he's already messing up.

 

“Aha, I'm sorry, it seems I was spacing out!” Komaeda chuckles as an attempt to make light of the situation, to make it seem like he really was just spacing out instead of showing that he's someone who does something wrong every single time he wants to do something. “Do you have other bags? I can help you bring them inside.”

 

“Ah, thank you…” His new roommate gently passes to him a bag. “Take this one, if it’s okay. I’ll handle the rest.”

 

“Alright! And don’t worry, I'm okay with helping you carry the others too.” Komaeda replies as he takes a look at the remaining bags his new roommate has. Aside from the backpack slung on only of his shoulders, there are two other bags that look similar to the one he handed Komaeda. Komaeda leaves the door open as he goes inside and places the bag he received on the table in the room.

 

“Nah, I got it, thanks.” Komaeda turns around to see his new roommate with a small smile, dragging the two bags with him as he shuts the door behind him. “Um… I don’t think I caught your name.”

 

“Ah, sorry, I hadn’t introduced myself!” Komaeda smiles, the friendliest he can manage as he holds out a hand. He has read that first impressions last… unless challenged, and even then, that challenge has to be remarkable. He’ll want to look dependable, at least. Or if that’s too much to ask, he’d want to look like a decent person. “Nice to meet you. I'm Nagito Komaeda.”

 

“Nice to meet you too, Komaeda. I'm Hinata Hajime.” His new roommate, now called Hinata-kun in his mind, returns his smile and shakes his hand. Looks like he's doing great so far. At least Hinata isn’t repulsed by his mere presence. “Thanks for helping me carry my bag.”

 

“Ah, it’s no problem, Hinata-kun! It’s my pleasure to be of help!” Komaeda retracts his hand, chuckling. “Oh, and since we’re doing introductions, maybe we might as well tell each other our reasons for being here in Hope’s Peak. Haha, mine is really embarrassing, but I think you'll find out sooner or later anyway, so I’ll just tell you as early as now…”

 

“…Oh. I'm sure your talent is something amazing. Don’t worry.”

 

“Haha, not really! I'm actually the Super High School Level Good Luck. It’s just luck that made me get in the academy!” Komaeda maintains his smile, though he only realizes now how embarrassing it exactly is to declare that his talent is ‘good luck’. This is the first introduction that he had. He can’t imagine how disgusted of himself he’d be as he continues to introduce himself to more of his classmates. “What about you, Hinata-kun?”

 

“You know, that’s actually really great. Your luck isn’t ‘just’ luck. It’s ‘Super High School Level’ Good Luck, and that’s pretty cool, you know. Anyway,” Hinata clears his throat. “Uh, sorry, I don’t want to be unfair, but I was actually told to keep my talent a secret from everyone else. Academy’s orders.”

 

Komaeda wanted to go against Hinata then. It’s true. He knows how great the things his luck can accomplish are, but that doesn’t even matter since he can’t even control his talent… if he should even call it a talent and mean it. “Oh, that’s alright, Hinata-kun. I respect your privacy and the academy’s too.”

 

“Thank you.” Hinata sets his bags on the floor. “I can tell you anything aside from that though. Would you like to just sit and talk for a while? I thought it’d be nice if I befriend the person I’ll be living with, so…”

 

Befriend. Komaeda felt a warm sensation in his chest when he heard that. Someone actually looked at him and thought that it’d be a good idea to befriend him. “Of course! It’d be my pleasure to know more about you. But before that, which bed do you prefer? I hadn’t put my beddings yet because I wanted my roommate to choose.”

 

“Seriously? Thanks for that, but since you arrived first, you should have claimed dibs on what you preferred, you know. I'm okay with any option, so feel free.”

 

Komaeda immediately thinks. If ever there are visitors who will come over, they'd probably sit on the lower bunk. He remembers reading somewhere too that things feel more open on the top bunk and that the lower bunk tends to make people feel claustrophobic. And since the room’s ceilings aren’t really too low, the top bunk really does seem like a good option.

 

If ever the bed drops too, the person who will get crushed is the one on the lower bunk, so—

 

“I’ll take the lower bunk, thank you.” Komaeda smiles. “You're too nice to let me pick.”

 

“It’s just fair to you.” Hinata returns his smile. “You were here first, you know.”

 

They fix their beddings in silence after that, and Komaeda wonders what they should talk about after this. He's really lucky that his roommate encourages socializing. Just the thought that someone wants to actually engage in a long conversation with him—and a Super High School Level at that—makes him feel so honored!

 

“Oh, right, Komaeda, I brought a desk lamp, so feel free to use it whenever you need to study or something.” Hinata says when they both finish fixing their beddings, promptly going down the ladder. Komaeda almost feels bad because having to climb up and down is one of the disadvantages of using the top bunk, but at least Hinata won’t have to be the one to die in case of an unfortunate accident.

 

“Thank you. As for me, I brought a first-aid kit. I get sick pretty often, see, so I thought it’d be nice if I have different medicine with me. Feel free to tell me if you have a headache or something else, Hinata-kun!”

 

“I’ll remember that. Thank you to you too.” Komaeda feels pretty bad because Hinata is now just standing while talking to him who's comfortably seated on his new bed. “So you get sick pretty often, huh?”

 

“Yes, but oh, before that, I won’t mind if you sit on my bed, you know.” Komaeda pats his bed to emphasize his point. “I mean, only if you want to. I’d feel bad sitting here while you stand there.”

 

“Is that really okay? I mean, I wouldn’t want to intrude on your space…”

 

“Haha, you're so considerate, Hinata-kun! But don’t worry, I offered. It’s so we could have a more comfortable talk, alright?”

 

“Well, alright, that’s nice of you…” Hinata hesitantly slides in the bed with him. “Thanks for welcoming me.”

 

“Thanks for welcoming me too, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda smiles. They haven’t even really ‘talked’ yet, but Komaeda already feels tempted to say that this is the longest conversation that he has had so far. He chooses to keep quiet though. He wouldn’t want Hinata to realize that there's something wrong with him just yet.

 

Hinata was staring at him for some reason, and he wonders if he said anything wrong. Was it creepy to echo his word of thanks? Should he have just said that Hinata was welcome and brought up something new to talk about? Which would be ruder—breaking this eye contact or maintaining it like he's currently doing?

 

“Anyway,” Hinata clears his throat. Komaeda didn’t even have to solve his own dilemma anymore as Hinata chooses to be the one to break the eye contact himself. “Only if you won’t mind… can you tell me more about yourself?”

 

“Of course. But tell me more about yourself too, okay?”

 

\--

 

Komaeda enters the word, and just like earlier, he hears a soft click.


	2. Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'You gave me hope.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Project Hope Log #6: https://justpaste.it/12x55

_Inside the box were Hinata’s cell phone, numerous pieces of papers stapled together, the photo album that Komaeda gave Hinata, and a small white box that would only fit his hand._

 

\--

 

It’s you, isn’t it, Komaeda? It has to be you. If it turns out that it’s someone else who's reading this and that you told someone else how to answer the questions I prepared, it would hurt so much. My only hope regarding this box is that it’s you who were able to go this far. If it’s someone else who wants to dispose of this so that I’ll never have the chance to tell you the things I want to tell you, then… I guess that would mean I lost again.

 

If the person reading this isn’t Komaeda, I have a guess about who you could be. If that’s so, then can’t you let me win even just this one time? Wouldn’t it just be fair if you do? You're the one with the widest view among the three of us, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you were able to expect something like this. I mean, that’s even why I'm communicating with you in this one paragraph despite this whole thing not being for you. But think about it. Would it really mean so much to win against someone who doesn’t even have a chance? Wouldn’t it be just an empty victory if you kept on stepping on my efforts right from the start? You kept on telling me that I'm lesser than you, so why do you keep on going against me? If it is really you who found this and you want to destroy it before Komaeda finds it, then that just proves that you find me a threat. The person you think is lesser than you is threatening you. How are you going to deal with that?

 

If this is really you, Komaeda, that previous paragraph is going to be really awkward. But since I'm not really sure about anything anymore, I just thought I should leave a note for that person too, just in case. I don’t mind if you read that paragraph, though. The purpose of this whole thing is to come clean to you, to finally stop hiding everything from you. I don’t even know exactly how you would react. You would most probably hate me, but at this point, I don’t mind anymore if you do. At least I know that I was true to you. At least I know that I stopped running. And I also know that it’s better if you hate me for something true over liking me for something that isn’t.

 

Of course, that’s all assuming that you don’t hate me yet. Knowing the people around you, I'm sure that it would be so easy for them to tell you already what I want to tell you now. If they didn’t, that would be great because I’d like to be able to tell you this myself. I'm tired of being afraid that you'll find out by someone else telling you or by you finding out on your own. I want to finally take the chance to personally tell you everything myself. I won’t be afraid anymore.

 

But if it turns out that you already hate me, then I guess I should thank you for reading until now. To be fair, I haven’t written that much yet, but from what I know about you, I can say that you can get quite intolerant regarding things you dislike. So it already means a lot to me that you’re even reading this in the first place. Actually, it already means a lot to me that you even took the time to open the box. Thank you so much for giving me a chance. If you already know what I'm going to say, please still hear me out. Please take the time to hear my side of things. Because you can trust that I'm not going to lie to you anymore, and everything that I tell you here will be true.

 

I hope you won’t mind if I proceed with this letter with the assumptions that you don’t hate me yet and that you still don’t know the things I want to say. It’s my effort to keep this letter even just a bit organized. Because if I continue assuming that you already hate me, I’ll probably be incoherent and just keep on trying to tell you how sorry I am every other sentence without being able to effectively inform you of the things I want you to know.

 

If you're reading this, I'm assuming that I’ve been missing for a while now and that you must be trying to look for me. In that case, I want to apologize to you because I must have worried you so much and also because I’ll be lying if I say I'm not flattered—happy, even—to know that you're trying to find me. I have assumed a lot of things regarding the two of us—regarding you—and while most of my assumptions turned out to be horribly and painfully wrong, I'm happy to be right about this one, at least.

 

To be honest, I don’t know where to start. But if you're really reading this because you're looking for me, then I guess it won’t be bad if I talk about that first. I hope you forgive me when I tell you that even I don’t know. Maybe I forgot everything and left. Maybe I'm dead. But I want you to know that whatever the answer is, the ones who surely know are Hope’s Peak’s researchers and administrators. I don’t want you to go through the trouble of interrogating them, but I know that if you really want to know something, nothing I say will be able to stop you. Naegi might, but I doubt he’ll want you to stop. If anything, he’d want you to continue because I'm sure that if you find out enough information, you'll know something about me that he would want you to know. I'm not going to risk that anymore though. By the time you're done reading this, you'll already know about whatever that is, and it will be because I told you myself.

 

If ever you'd wish to find out more though and actually approach the researchers and administrators, all I want to tell you is be careful. I know that you admire them and everybody else in Hope’s Peak, and I wouldn’t want to be the one to disillusion you, but I don’t think those people are above getting rid of someone whom they think knows too much. Maybe I'm being too paranoid, but if it’s true that I’ve been missing for a while now, then I don’t trust them at this point. If that’s the case, I shouldn’t have trusted them with myself. But if it’s too late to say that now, then at least I have the chance to not trust them with you. Be careful around them. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.

 

The thing that I’ll tell you, the one that might make you hate me—I hope you won’t mind if I save it for last. I have so many things to tell you, and I'm scared that you won’t read on if I talk about that first. I'm probably acting selfish being this way, I'm sorry, but I'm just so desperate right now. This is my last chance. If I can’t tell you everything I want to tell you here, I’ll never be able to tell you at all. So please bear with me. I'm sorry.

 

I thought that when it’s finally time to tell you everything, my words will just uncontrollably pour out until I tackled them all. But right now, as I write this, I'm actually feeling kind of lost. I did say I’ll start with where I am, but I don’t even know the right answer to that. I'm sorry for being like this. And if this letter turns out to be incoherent and disorganized despite my effort for it to not be that way, I'm sorry too.

 

Maybe I’ll just start from the very beginning.

 

Right from the start, I never really liked myself. I never felt enough, I never felt like I could do something well, I’ve never been proud of myself. If the word ‘average’ had a personification, it would most probably be me. I got in Hope’s Peak with the hope of finally changing all that. I wanted to like myself. I wanted to feel enough. I wanted to feel like there's something I could do well. And of course, I wanted to be proud of myself.

 

I got in Hope’s Peak excited, scared, and nervous. Though I’d say I was mostly nervous above all other things. I knew what kinds of people I’d meet in the academy. All of you will have something you do well. If ever there is a chance you guys don’t like yourselves, it wouldn’t be because you think you can’t do well in anything. I would be the only one who differs, and I was nervous to stand out by being incompetent.

 

But you feel the same way I do, right? Even if I know that we’re different—I know that you can do things well, I know that you're very smart even if you don’t even try—you understand how I feel. For some reason, you feel like there's nothing you can do well, and even if I personally disagree with that, it doesn’t change that it’s how you feel. It doesn’t change that you feel what I feel. It doesn’t change that you understand me.

 

Maybe I was just so shocked about being treated so well. The moment we met, you offered me a warm smile and immediately offered your help. You wanted to talk with me, and you wanted to listen so closely to what I had to say. You paid so much attention to me. And even without all those, your mere presence just feels so soothing. You were a positive energy to me. You gave me hope—hope that since someone is capable of treating me this well, maybe someday I’d be able to treat myself like this too. Hope that if I just continue staying within your comforting presence, I’ll slowly and eventually learn to love myself.

 

But what happened instead is that I fell in love with you. It happened so fast, and the moment that I did, I couldn’t stop. Every single day, each time you smile at me, each time we talk to each other, I think I just fell in love with you more and more. I even reached the point—numerous times, even—when I wanted to stop, but I still wasn’t able to. I loved you even during the times it was difficult. I loved you even during the times it hurt. And I thought that maybe that’s just right because it wouldn’t be good either to just love you only when it’s convenient for me. So I continued loving you even as we grew apart, even as you found someone else.

 

I tried to confess to you one time. I don’t know if you remember, but this was that one night when I suddenly called your name and asked how I should confess ‘to my friend’. I was talking about you that time. I even thought that you'd figure it out because my excuse was so bad. After all, out of all our classmates, you're the closest friend that I have. It will only make sense that you'll be the person that I like too. I told you that night that I liked you, and you didn’t say anything. I thought then that you were going to start ignoring me from that point, but it turns out that you fell asleep. I wasn’t sure if I should feel relieved that time, but one thing I know I can say for sure is that now, I regret not being able to confess to you successfully. I should have tried again after that. I don’t really know why I never did again.

 

I'm so sorry. Reading that must have been so uncomfortable for you, considering that you're in a relationship with someone else and all. But as I said, this is my last chance. If I don’t tell you now, I’ll never be able to tell you. It’s a shame because I would have wanted to ask you a lot of things too, but I guess I can’t surely do that anymore now. But still, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to write the questions anyway, even if I won’t receive the answers.

 

I would have wanted to ask if I stood a chance. This is embarrassing to admit, but I really thought back then that it was going to be you and I together in the end. I'm sorry if reading this disgusts you, but that was just what I felt back then. We were always together, and it just felt so natural when we were. I never got tired of you even if I practically spend the whole day with you, from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep. I really thought back then that maybe you liked me too, or if you didn’t, you eventually will. That must be one of the most confident thoughts that I ever had. Looking back, I wonder why I was even as arrogant as to assume something like that. It’s embarrassing, right? To assume something like that, I mean. But still, that thought kept on plaguing me whenever I'm idle. Did I stand a chance back then when it was just the two of us? Or did I just completely misunderstand your kindness and warmth?

 

Please don’t feel bad if you really didn’t regard me that way. I'm not trying to guilt trip you or anything; I swear I just want to let you know everything that I’ve been hiding from you. Making you feel bad for not reciprocating my feelings is not something that I would like to do.

 

I just wanted to come clean because I hid it from you all this time. From the moment I met you, there was already infatuation. Within a month, it turned into an impossible-to-ignore crush. And by the third month, if I wasn’t in love with you then, it was at least that point when I realized that I would fall in love with you sooner or later.

 

I'm so sorry, but please let me tell you this even just now. I love you. I love you very much. I love you even if it hurt. And if I would be given the chance again, I'm pretty sure I’ll just choose to fall in love with you all over again.

 

I'm sorry for repeating it for so many times despite knowing that it might make you feel uncomfortable. I’ll do my best to make sure that’s the last time I say it directly in this letter. After all, if there's one thing that I’ll never want to happen, it’s you being uncomfortable around me or of the thought of me.

 

I also keep on thinking about what could have happened if I confessed to you earlier. If I confessed to you a year ago, would things be different from how they are now? Was there a chance for me to be the one with you? If I did things differently, would things be different too?

 

I didn’t want to say this because I thought that it might be too much, but I’ll just go ahead anyway. I kept on wondering too if you would have liked me better if I were the Super High School Level Hope and if my chances would have been improved if so. I'm not implying that you only liked Naegi because of his Super High School Level Title—I'm sure you might have had a lot of other reasons other than that—but I was thinking that maybe it would have been a plus somehow. I know that hope is important to you, so maybe I would have been more likable to you if I were the Super High School Level Hope… Maybe. But anyway, it’s not like I am that.

 

To be very honest, I'm really envious of Naegi. Not only because of his title, but of course, also because he has you.

 

I hope it doesn’t upset you, but I wanted to ask this too. If Naegi never came to Hope’s Peak, if you never knew that Naegi existed, would things be different? Or were you meant to find someone who's better than me? I mean, I find it understandable how you would be attracted to anyone else aside from me, to be honest. Again, this letter is not meant to make you feel guilty. I'm scared because I think my words are starting to sound as if I'm trying to make you feel that way. I’d like to make clear to you that it’s not your fault that I feel this way. And that the only thing I'm doing right now is selfishly expressing to you the questions that always plague my mind.

 

I'm sorry if unloading this information to you will end up being a burden for you. No matter what you might feel regarding this, whether it be positive or negative, I'm sure that it would be an overwhelming feeling. I'm sorry. I just thought that you deserved to know. You don’t deserve to interact with someone who's hiding so many things from you, especially the person that you regard as your best friend. You deserve so much better. This is my poor attempt to be at least a better person to you.

 

It hurt so much when you started to express your obvious infatuation with Naegi, especially when you started talking about him all the time. But I realized later on that I should be happy that you're even talking to me at all. I should be happy that I'm the one who's hearing about your thoughts of admiration regarding someone. I should be happy that you found someone who makes you feel that lively. I should be happy that you chose to share your happiness with me.

 

You found someone who made you feel the way you made me feel. He must have made you feel understood too. He must have treated you well too. You must have found his smile warm too. He must have extended his help to you too. He must have listened so closely to what you had to say too. He must have paid so much attention to you too. And of course, I'm sure, you must have found his presence soothing too.

 

When I agreed to eat lunch with the both of you that one time under the tree in the courtyard, I’ll admit that it’s because I wanted to see what kind of person he was. That’s one reason. I also wanted to feel like I'm in control somehow, that I'm still included in the loop somehow, even just a little bit, because at least I could see what's happening when the two of you are together. That’s my more selfish reason. I'm not proud of feeling that way.

 

Because of being with the two of you, I learned that he was your positive energy. He gave you hope, just like you did to me.

 

So I thought that my best choice would be to feel happy for you. For the first time, there was someone who could make your eyes light up in excitement just by the mere thought of them. And I tried to be happy, I really did. That’s why I want to apologize because I know I failed. I couldn’t really be happy for you, especially since I feel like I'm being burned alive each time you talk about him. And that feeling just worsened when the two of you finally got together.

 

I couldn’t bring myself to be happy for you. I couldn’t bring myself to be happy for him. I'm sorry.

 

That day when you came home with me next to that broken mirror—now that I think about it, I never really did tell you why I did that, right? It was because I couldn’t take the frustration anymore that day. I don’t know why that happened on that day in particular. I can’t even remember anymore what else happened that day aside from the fact that I punched a mirror, and for the first time in a long while, we were able to sit in silence without Naegi’s name being brought up for at least half an hour. Despite doing something as stupid as that, I was still happy because finally, you were paying attention to me after for so long. You were worried that I was hurt, and you wanted to help me get better. Of course, I realized later on that thinking this way was stupid. My reckless actions legitimately worried you. I shouldn’t be happy about something like that.

 

I told you after that when you let me hold you that I was scared, but I never answered when you asked what it is I am scared about. I wasn’t ready to tell you then, but I'm ready to tell you now. That time, I was scared to lose you. But I also realized the moment I thought that that I shouldn’t feel that way. I already lost you at that point, and I never even had you in the first place. I should just be happy that you're even keeping me around as your best friend despite everything.

 

You said that time that you're not going anywhere. I wanted to tell you then that you don’t mean that and that you already did. That’s another really selfish thought too. It’s not your fault for liking someone else. You just wanted to pursue the person who made you the happiest that you have been in a while.

 

Despite whatever I felt though, I thought I should still do my best to support you no matter what. I shouldn’t care if it makes me unhappy. That doesn’t really matter here. What's important is that you're with someone you love. So I backed off because I wouldn’t want to ruin what you have with him. Every day, I see you with that big smile on your face when you're with him or even just talking about him, and I wouldn’t want to be as selfish as to take that away from you.

 

I'm sorry though because sometimes I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes I want to hug you and I let myself. Sometimes I want to hold your hand and I let myself. But I promise I make sure to never overstay my welcome. Again, I’d never want to make you feel uncomfortable.

 

And I want to tell you because you have the right to know. I'm sorry if this will anger you, and I understand if that’s the case. The morning I left to take my exam, I kissed you on the forehead. I don’t know what came over me too, but I swear I'm ashamed of doing something like that while you're unaware. I had no right to do that to you. No one has, without your permission. I'm really so sorry. But I promise that you can believe me when I say that that was the first and last time I ever did something like that to you. I'm sorry.

 

I confess. There are times when I think of you in ways that I'm not really proud of. But I want you to know that despite that, I never looked at you just for something like that. You're never ‘just a body’ to me. You're always worth so much more. Still, I'm sorry. I shouldn’t be justifying that I have those thoughts about you, especially since I know that you're with someone else already and that you and I are close friends. I'm so sorry. I regret ever thinking about you that way. I'm sorry.

 

The time came when you started to ignore me and the rest of our classmates. To put it lightly, I was hurt. Even without that happening, I already felt replaced by Naegi, and when you did that, I feel like that feeling just got solidified even more.

 

I'm proud that this might be one of the things I was able to tell you, at least. But I'm not proud that that time, I think I was fueled too much by my emotions. I'm now prepared to tell you about what I felt in a calmer way. That time, I asked you if you really had to forget about me. That’s because I felt like you didn’t want me anymore, not even as a friend. All that I could offer you as your best friend—listening to your troubles, giving you advice, spending time with you—Naegi can now give them all to you. I realized that that time. And I thought that you were so ready to forget me and everyone else in our class because Naegi is now all you would want to be with.

 

That hurt. I felt like everything that we had together weren’t as important to you as they were for me. I cherished all the times that we were together. I cherished all the times that we were talking about anything—anything, really, as long as we’re discussing each other’s thoughts and knowing more about each other. I never ever took any of that for granted, so I wonder up until now why they were taken away from me. That moment, I felt like you didn’t think I was someone important to you. I realized that it might have hurt not being your romantic partner, but not being anyone to you at all in the first place hurt even more.

 

Again, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. You had your reasons. I just wish that you told me what they were. Was I right to think that you did those things because Naegi asked you to? I'm leaning on that reason because I can’t think of any other reason you'll adamantly refuse to tell aside from that. I have a lot of other things I’d like to talk about regarding Naegi, but I guess I’ll save that too for later.

 

I mentioned to you earlier that I tried to stop liking you. It was during that time when you were so insistent not to talk to me despite my efforts. I thought that I’ll finally be able to find peace when I give up on you. But you only had to look at me that same day with a hesitant greeting for me to realize that I was just fooling myself. I couldn’t give up on you then. I'm not sure if I will ever.

 

That time, I couldn’t stop myself from holding you so tightly. I missed you so much despite us living in the same room and even being classmates. That time, despite being so close, I felt that we were never farther apart. I'm really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable that time when I hugged you so suddenly. It was a selfish move because that time, all I thought about was how much I missed you and how much I wanted to be close to you again. I hadn’t even paused to think that maybe you didn’t want to be touched. I'm really sorry.

 

Shortly after this, I made a mistake. It was around this point when I started to confide to Naegi. You were right. He had that vibe that makes you want to tell him everything about yourself even in such a short while. He knows what to say to make you comfortable, to make you trust him. If anything, I think he even has the ability to know what one wants to hear the most in a given moment. But I view confiding to him as a mistake because I realized that things would be so much different from now if I instead chose to tell you the worries I had. I wish I just told you everything instead. Even if you would have hated me, at least I was true to you then.

 

I think, to some extent, I became a little dependent on him. When I had troubles and I'm in need of help, he became the first person to come to mind instead of you. When I was forced to reveal a secret to one person only, he was the one I chose instead of you. And whenever we see each other, I couldn’t stop myself from talking more and more about myself. I told him so many things. And now I regret doing everything of that because I really should have just chosen you. I kept on whining about how you replaced me with him without realizing that in my own way, I have replaced you too.

 

I confess. There are a lot of times when his presence doesn’t feel soothing for me, but I was so insistent on telling myself that he does have a calming presence. I was telling myself that the only reason why his presence sometimes feels like poison itself is only because I'm greatly jealous of him. I was telling myself that it was my fault why I felt that way and not his at all. It didn’t make sense that someone like the Super High School Level Hope would make me feel so uneasy. Thinking about it now, I should have just trusted my instincts instead. Naegi isn’t all he seems.

 

I know that’s a bold and ridiculous declaration to make. I know too that you'd always choose to believe him over me in a heartbeat. Despite that, I don’t think it would hurt to try. After all, that’s all I can do now. To let myself proceed with this one last try.

 

I said that I’ll reserve what I want to say about Naegi until later, but I can’t help it since he's already been touched by the topic. I realized that that just makes sense since the moment he arrived in our lives, there has never been a conversation where at least one of us doesn’t mention or reference him in the slightest. So I guess it’s only right that this topic is that way too.

 

I never ever lied to you about the pen. Everything I told you about the pen is what I honestly know.

 

It started when I regularly confided in him. I told him all the details about the test I took. I'm sorry because that’s another thing that I hid from you. It wasn’t true that I represented Hope’s Peak in a quiz bee in another place. It wasn’t true that the first round of the quiz bee had a test format and that I was waiting if I could make it to the next round. What's true was that I had to take a test that’s important to me and will determine my fate. Naegi knew about that. He also knew what consequences it would have if I fail it.

 

The day during my test, he came to see me before I go to the testing room. The test only took place here in Hope’s Peak in one of the many offices they have, so it’s easy for Naegi to come talk to me. He gave me a pen that, according to him, you gave him back then as a present. He said that he never used it before, probably because you told him that it’s a lucky pen that should be used for important things. He said that you would like it if I use that pen for my test.

 

Of course, I decided to use it. I was guilty that I couldn’t tell you the whole truth that time. I was guilty because I refused your offer to wish me good luck too in the morning before I take the test. And using the pen which I thought was yours was my poor way to indulge in the thought that somehow, you're there with me as I took the test, telling me that you believe in me, that I can surely do it. While I took the test, I kept in mind the things you told me the night prior.

 

You told me that there would be nothing to worry about, that I’ll answer the questions really easily. You told me that you'll still be my best friend whatever the result the test will have, that you'll make sure to cheer for me the hardest no matter what. I imagined that you told me those things before I entered the testing room. I imagined that you were there for me that morning, and having with me that pen which I thought was yours made it easier.

 

That was another mistake on my part. I shouldn’t have trusted Naegi. In the end, that pen turned out to be a pen with disappearing ink, and it wasn’t even yours in the first place. In fact, you didn’t even know it existed, right? I know he just forced you to lie for him that night the two of us called you. I know that you'll never be as cruel as to play a prank of that level on Naegi. I just can’t imagine you giving him a pen with disappearing ink without telling him that that’s its purpose. I know you wouldn’t risk the possibility of him using it accidentally on something important since ‘you’ said it was a lucky pen. That’s why, even until now, despite everything the two of you said, I choose to believe that you didn’t have anything to do with that pen.

 

As a result from all that, naturally, I failed the test. Not only that, what happened made me look like I was trying to prove a point by intentionally leaving my papers blank. After all, I started the exam using my own pen because I pocketed Naegi’s. It felt instinctive for me to grab one of my pens that I already prepared on my desk. I guess it was also coupled by the fact that I was hesitating to use the pen because what I know that time is that it’s yours, but it wasn’t your choice to lend it to me. I should have just continued with that mindset. Instead, I focused on what Naegi said: “I believe that Komaeda-kun would want me to lend you this for this test.” That was what he said that time. I still clearly remember it because I wholly believed it. It just so happened that the exam I answered with a regular pen was the Math subtest, and it just so happened that months before that time, I got in an argument with one of Hope’s Peak Researchers about my grade in Math. I got a good grade in the subtest, but that made them think even more that I did it on purpose. They thought I was being cheeky and wanted to prove how good I am. Needless to say, they weren’t impressed.

 

You were the first person I confronted when I found out the truth about the pen I used. Of course, that time, I was led to believe it was yours. When I realized that it wasn’t you, I figured that if you're not the one who aimed to mislead in that situation, then it could only be him. I ran out immediately when you proved to me that you didn’t give Naegi a pen, right? That’s because I decided to confront him.

 

He stuck with the story that he already made. He insisted that the pen really was yours, and he didn’t know that it had disappearing ink. Of course, this time, I chose to believe what you said before that. This time, I chose to believe you.

 

Naegi was nothing like the person we see every day. He's capable of saying hurtful words, and it’s terrifying because he still had the same peaceful smile on his face, as if there wasn’t even anything wrong with the things he was saying. That was when I realized that maybe the reason why his presence feels so poisonous is because he really is poison. It wasn’t just because I was jealous of him or anything. It was because my instincts were telling me that I should stay away.

 

If only I decided to listen to my instincts and stayed away from him, this wouldn’t have happened. If only I stopped myself from trusting him too much and telling him everything, this wouldn’t have happened. But I suppose it’s too late to think that now.

 

He admitted it to me, Komaeda. He admitted to me that everything was his doing, that he was well aware of the pen, and that he chose to lend it to me. He told me that he wanted me to fail my test. I can’t prove it now, and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to, but by now, I don’t really have a reason to lie to you anymore about anything. I still have other things to talk about because I'm not yet done, but I know that I already have revealed a lot of things to you so far, and I’ll get to the things I haven’t talked about yet later. Why would I lie now after telling you all the things I told you earlier? Why would I lie to you when this is most probably the last chance I’ll be able to communicate with you again? Why would I continue to lie to you when I wrote this long letter with the purpose of coming clean to you?

 

I don’t know if you'll choose to believe me or not, but I know that I'm saying the truth. That’s something that I’ll be able to say proudly.

 

That’s why I'm scared and worried. I'm scared because the idea that he's also lying to you all this time and planning to bring you down isn’t impossible after he was able to do it to me. I'm worried that the time will come when he’ll hurt you because I don’t want you getting hurt. You don’t deserve to get hurt. You don’t deserve to experience the horrible things I experienced. I know that you love him so much, so it would also hurt so much if that happens. I'm wishing deep down that no matter what kind of horrible person Naegi is to me, he really is a genuinely kind person to you, at least. I'm wishing that the Naegi we both saw all this time really is that Naegi when it comes to you. But for now, just like with the researchers and administrators of Hope’s Peak, I wouldn’t choose to trust him with you.

 

After all, he wasn’t alone. He was working with some of his classmates, and someone from another class. Actually, I'm not even sure if that’s all they are. For all I know, there are more, and the others just weren’t with them. That night, Naegi was with Enoshima Junko and Ikusaba Mukuro, and he mentioned that Matsuda is in on whatever that thing they did too. I'm not formally acquainted with them aside from Matsuda, but after that night, I couldn’t forget their names.

 

I'm saying the truth. I never lied to you in this letter even at least once, and if only we could see each other once more, I promise I’ll never lie to you about anything again. As I said earlier, even I'm not sure what happened to me, but I'm wishing that I'm still alive. I want to come and find you again. I want to personally apologize to you, and if you'd let me, I’d like to confess to you again. You can reject me. It’s okay. I just wish that I was able to tell you face to face.

 

I'm sorry. It must be uncomfortable to continue reading considering that I basically badmouthed Naegi, and he's the person that you value the most. I really should have just saved the topic about him for later, but it felt natural earlier to continue from that. But now, even if I completely shifted the mood by talking about him, I realized there's still something I have to tell you regarding us before I move on to that topic that will make you hate me. I didn’t mean for this to get so long. I hope you're still with me right now.

 

There's a small white box with this letter, right? You can open it. You'll see a necklace inside, and please feel free to get it because it’s for you. Remember the week before the Day of Hope when I would come home late? I was working hard because I wanted to get you something perfect. I'm sorry because I lied to you on the day itself. I told you that I didn’t get anything for you that time, but the truth was that I was overtaken by my insecurity. When you came home that night wearing the necklace Naegi gave you, you were so happy that your eyes were practically sparkling in joy. It was the first time I saw you smile that way in a long time. I realized that there's no way I would be able to compete with Naegi. He gave you a necklace too, and I thought I should give way. He was the one with you, not me. I don’t have the right to give you something similar to what he gave. But since I decided that I'm not hiding anything anymore, I thought it was fair if I give you the gift I really wanted you to receive. It’s a necklace that I thought was perfect for you. It will make me really happy if you use it, I'm sure it would suit you very much, but don’t force yourself. I'm only happy now that you received it compared to not knowing about it at all.

 

Before I wrote this, I finally found the bravery of opening your gift. I hope you don’t laugh at me, but I think it made me tear up a bit. I think your gift made me realize even more exactly how much I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss all the times that we shared. I miss all the times that we were together. I miss being the one who makes you smile and laugh. I left the album in this box not because I didn’t appreciate it, but because I want you to hold it for me if ever I can still come back. If I'm alive but I don’t remember anything, please show the photos to me. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll remember everything about us if you do.

 

Thank you for taking the time to compile our pictures for us. The memories mean so much to me more than you can ever know.

 

I think that’s all I need to tell you about us. I'm really worried that I might have forgotten to discuss something because of how many things I wanted to tell you. I really wish I haven’t overlooked anything.

 

I guess, now, I'm ready to move on to the topic that I was scared to discuss. I was scared all this time. I still am, to be honest, but I can’t keep running away forever. I can’t keep running away now. If you're going to hate me, I completely understand, but the only thing I want to ask of you is to please read until the end.

 

Despite already being able to discuss so many things to you earlier, I still find this topic the most difficult. Right now, I don’t really know how to start. I don’t even know how to open it up. Maybe my fear is clouding my mind. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just take comfort in the fact that once I'm able to tell you about this, I can finally say that I was indeed wholly truthful to you.

 

I mentioned to you earlier that I was forced to reveal a secret and that I chose to tell Naegi instead of you. This is that secret that I was pertaining to then. Do you remember that time I told you that someone I don’t know was texting me nonstop? It was around that time when I asked you to change your number. I told you it was because I was scared they'd text you too. To be fair, that wasn’t really a lie, but with the way I said it, I think I implied that it was because I didn’t want them to insult you too. Of course it’s true that I would never want anyone to insult you, but I don’t think the stranger had any reason to do that to you. They were focused on insulting me. They were focused on playing with my fear of you knowing about my secret.

 

I told you that I never really liked myself, that I never regarded myself as someone who can do something well. That’s because it’s true. It’s not just because of insecurity or self-doubt. It’s just purely a fact. I really can’t do anything well. All my abilities are mediocre at best.

 

I can’t think of any way to make this sound even just a bit better, so I’ll just go ahead and say it, no matter how much this fact makes me feel so ashamed of myself. Komaeda, I'm a student from the Reserve Course Department.

 

I'm begging you to please don’t stop reading now. I'm begging you to please read on. I know that you must be so angry right now. You must be looking at this paper with so much disgust. You must be regretting ever associating with me. But please, I need you to read on. I need you to listen to me. I'm so sorry for acting like I'm still in the position to demand anything from you. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

 

The stranger knew about that. They knew that I'm from the Reserve Course, they knew about my feelings for you, they were taunting me, and they were threatening to tell you. I was afraid to let you know because I know you'd undoubtedly hate me. In fact, at that time, it was as if letting you know was out of the question. That’s why I asked you to change your number. I didn’t want them to have the means to contact you. I'm sorry.

 

Shortly after that, you asked me about the Reserve Course. The timing was just so ridiculous I even had the equally ridiculous thought that you were the stranger taunting me until I realized that they know that I'm in love with you, and you don’t.

 

I'm sorry. My mentioning what I feel for you after you found out what I really am must have given you a bad feeling. I'm sorry. I’ll minimize it.

 

That time, I acted like I didn’t know what the Reserve Course was. I lied to you again. I even tried to mislead your information gathering when I immediately discouraged you and firmly disagreed that something like the Reserve Course was real. I acted like I didn’t know what it was despite being the one who would actually know about it the most among us. I'm sorry for lying. I'm so sorry.

 

The academy wanted to conduct an experiment. They wanted to see if a regular student can keep up with Super High School Levels. This is the reason why I'm usually excused from class. The researchers are monitoring my grades. I have to keep up a certain average or else they will kick me out. This is also the reason why I'm always, always pushing myself to study and study all the time.

 

They opened up an opportunity for me to finally join the main course as a Super High School Level. Of course I was excited when I heard about it. I thought, finally, I’ll be able to like myself more. I’ll finally be able to be proud of myself. I’ll finally be able to face you and everyone else with more confidence. The talent they offered me was that of the Super High School Level Test Taker. I know that it sounds ridiculous compared to everyone else’s, I know that it’s practically nothing compared to Super High School Level Hope, but for me, of course it was more than enough. I just wanted to finally be in the main course for real without the constant worry that I’ll be removed if I do as much as to slack off for a second.

 

That was the purpose of the test I took. If I passed the test—I didn’t have to pass with flying colors, I just really had to pass it—I’ll finally have a title I can actually tell you and everyone else. I wouldn’t have to continue lying to you and everyone who knows me. Of course, we now both know what happened to that.

 

This is another reason why I hope you'll believe me regarding the pen. Why would I sabotage my own chances to get in the main course? I'm just a Reserve Course Student. Having a title offered to me sounds like an impossible dream. Why would I intentionally let that pass when I’ve been working so hard for it? We live in the same room. You saw how much I prepared when the test neared, right? Our table was practically covered in books. Why would I waste my effort? Why would I waste all those hours spent uncomfortably sitting?

 

If you're not going to believe that Naegi gave me that pen, then I hope that you'll choose to believe that there really was a pen at least. He told me that he can make it seem like the pen didn’t exist at all considering that you didn’t even see it. He said that if he claimed that, I wouldn’t be able to prove otherwise.

 

There really was a pen. I won’t intentionally leave my paper blank just to prove a point. If I found the questions difficult—and I told you I didn’t, modesty aside—I still would have tried. I would have tried to do intelligent guesses. I would have tried all other options aside from just leaving everything unanswered.

 

After failing the exam, the academy gave me a choice. I could undergo a brain surgery that is apparently guaranteed to give me talents, or I could go back to the Reserve Course. I'm sure you can guess what I decided to pick. Even if the idea of a brain surgery sounds scary, even if I'm not sure what kind of outcome it will have, I thought I should still try. If it means that I’ll finally have the ability to do the things I want, to fight for the things I want to fight for, then I thought I should go for it no matter what it takes. I'm sorry if I don’t have that many details regarding the surgery. To be honest, I don’t really know that much aside from the fact that it’s a brain surgery and that it will give me talents. I stapled my copy of the waiver with this letter just in case you might find the knowledge useful.

 

I'm sorry. I know that I look untrustworthy to you right now, but I swear I'm not lying to you. If I don’t tell you the truth now, there's a chance that I’ll never be able to, so I don’t have any reason to keep up a lie until now. Again, all I said in this letter was true. I can’t force you to believe the things I said, but all I want to say no matter what stand you choose to have regarding this is that never forget to be careful. Don’t trust anyone too much. If you want to find out more about anything I mentioned in this letter, it’d be better if you work alone. I know you still probably trust Naegi, and the things I'm saying are just nothing, but I’ll try anyway. Don’t trust Naegi. Don’t let him know about this letter. Don’t let him know about anything I said. The moment you do, he’ll come up with something to hinder you if ever you decide you want to find out more. He’ll make sure to find a way to push you to the wrong direction.

 

I think that’s all I needed to say about my secret. Finally, I told you. I kept it in for so long. The thought that I'm lying to you every single day is an incessant bother in my mind. I'm so sorry for hiding. I know you hate me now, but still, I hope you don’t let your hate cloud your decision-making. I hope, once you think about all this, you do so without any firm assumptions already in hand. Assumptions aren’t always good. They can make you cling to something that isn’t even true, and if something goes against your firm assumptions, your mind can make it so that that thing will still fit with the things that you assumed somehow.

 

I think that’s all I have to say. This letter ended up being too long. I hope you're still reading until here. My hand kind of hurts now, and there is smudged ink all over the side of my palm, but if that means that I was able to put across my message for you, then it’s worth it. Just in case this knowledge will come in handy, I should tell you how this box got in here in the first place. I asked Matsuda to give it to you if something bad happens to me as a result of the surgery. I didn’t think he’d agree, but if you really are reading this, then that means he did. I just appealed to our similarity. I told him that I know that he really values the person that he loves too. I told him that this is my last attempt to communicate with mine, and if he understands how I feel, he wouldn’t take that away from me. Despite that though, I don’t think you should trust Matsuda either, but what I can tell you for sure is that he knows a lot of things regarding this. If it isn’t too much to ask, please read the waiver too. The names of the people involved in all this are there.

 

I think I'm really finished now. I'm really sorry for everything. Thank you for reading until here, that’s really nice of you. I know I promised that I’ll never say it again in this letter, but I hope you'll be able to forgive me if I do it again now just one last time… I love you very much, Komaeda.

 

I know that between the two of us, you're the one who's lucky, but still, I want to say that I wish you all the luck that you'll need. I really do wish that it’s still possible for us to meet, and before we find each other again in that case, until then, please be careful and take care of yourself. ~~I love~~ Goodbye.

PS: I changed the password of my phone to your birth date.

 

\--

 

_Komaeda starts to laugh so hard that his chest burned, and if he had tears in his eyes, then he was thankful that there was no one around to tell him._


End file.
